Sunday, August 21, 2016

the spiritual mirror of a 3 year old

The geese are flying and quacking above me (note: do geese quack? honk? bray? Because braying seems most accurate sometimes!) and evenings and mornings are starting to get cooler. Fall is in the air even though it's still brutally hot around here.

My boys are asleep still and fingers crossed, L will give me until 7am today after the chaos of yesterday. Oh the 3s people. The threes. People tell you about them but man are they an emotional rollercoaster ride. The highs are higher and the lows, so much lower.

L can veer from being so indescribably amazing and endearing "mama that's amazing, you did a good job" to infuriating as he pitches another tantrum over the thing he said he wanted no longer being what he wanted. Of course it's all boundary testing, insecurity, and independence. We go from wanting complete autonomy to reverting to younger behaviours in order to feel reassured that the parentals are still there.

And then there are the things he is absorbing from the world around him. Like playing guns (grrr) and saying he doesn't cry like a baby as he cries (quadruple grrr) that I am attempting to balance out even while I notice the things he's taking from us that make me uncomfortable.

This motherhood gig, let me tell you, is the best spiritual test/practice I've ever had. And lately, the 3s are making me feel like I'm failing to live up to all of my ideals and values.

Seriously.

And I know this is normal. People wouldn't gripe about the 3s as much as they do if they weren't so challenging for everyone.

But I am trying to be mindful, even in the haze of frustration and exasperation. I am trying to remember how my reactions are informing his. That when I lose my patience and yell that teaches him to yell and scream (which I don't do but is clearly linked to the idea that raising the volume to be heard is how we deal with not being listened to or heard). He's a constant mirror and reminder of my actions and reactions, which is a blessing and a curse.

He is also now awake and rooting through the rocks in our garden and eyeing up the snails, so I must be off...

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Tuesday, July 12, 2016

tarot workshop and new cards

So I signed up for a tarot workshop with Susannah Conway, 78 mirrors, and it's seriously not good for my tarot love. I mean, it's good but it's adding fuel to my must have them all, now card obsession.

Generally I have been good with one deck at a time. First the Haindl tarot deck and now, since the universe decided that I'd outgrown the deck, the Thoth tarot deck. I find the Thoth a challenging deck but one that works well with my teachings. I find the deck a bit tricky and sassy at times, which I suppose, is in keeping with Crowley's energy, so there's that.

I've often considered getting a new deck though and this course is feeding that desire by exposing me to all these amazing decks. I admit it, my husband is going to kill me when he finds out but I've just purchased the Shadowscapes tarot deckRadiant Rider-Waite deck (mainly for study purposes), and the Mary-El tarot deck.

Amazing and so exciting. I can't wait!

But wait for it...

I'm also eyeing up the Lumina tarot deck but thank god it's out of stock at the moment cause I love the look of it a lot!

The process has me drawing daily cards, which is something I think will be good for me in terms of reconnecting (or connecting) with my deck and practice. I've had a hard time with this deck even though it gives good readings because I often find it hard to make the readings concrete. Hopefully working with it intentionally will help form a better ability to ground my readings and understand them because I really miss using my tarot.

And if that fails, well... I'll have a bunch of other decks to choose from!
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Sunday, July 10, 2016

on the nature of privacy and blogging

I have to admit it, I've really let my practice dwindle since having a child. Sometimes I wonder if this space is worthwhile in my life or if I should just let it go. The age of just blogging for the sake of blogging seems dead in so many ways and I'm really not sure that I'm interested in any othere type of blogging.

I debate closing this space or making it private or just putting it all out there. None of these options fully appeal to me.  I have things I want to write about. I like writing and actually miss it.  That said, I feel incredibly censored writing in this space. I know it's just a small corner of the cyber world, but given that I work in education, I often feel like it's just not appropriate to be that wide open. I would love to say that I'm pagan and proud, but the fact of the matter is, being openly pagan professionally just isn't really an option that I want to deal with in my life.

I am an active member of a coven. The reality is that I am actively practicing my faith. I'm actively practicing my faith to the point that it is a way of life that often makes me feel like I have more in common with devout Christians or Muslims or Buddhists than I do with some (***many***) pagans. Sorry, not sorry, if that offends some of you but the fact is, I am Wiccan. I'm not pagan, new age, or spiritual. I believe in the God and the Goddess in ways that are far too often misrepresented in pop-paganism. And often, for that reason, it is very uncomfortable for me to be openly pagan as much of what is seen as Wicca has little or nothing to do with my own practice and belief system.  It often feels like what is commonly understood as being Wiccan is a series of things that I'm busy downplaying in order to be taken seriously. (And yes, I recognize that that statement is problematic, no need to flame me over it). But the thing is, in order to have street cred in the professional world, there is a necessary scientific world view that one has to manifest in daily life for said credibility. This often makes me feel a little jealous of openly devout members of other faiths as the way is clearer for them, while at the same time appreciating that there is a sacrifice being made on their part, one which quite likely, knowingly or not, impacts the views others have of them.

All of this contributes to my self-censorship. It is, in many ways, a necessary evil.

Would writing privately make me feel safer? Would I feel like I could stop filtering myself? I feel like maybe, but if I do that, I suspect that I would be writing to myself (not entirely a bad thing and honestly, often how blogging often feels) but part of me wants to heard and to share. I'm a talker. I like communication.

Le sigh.

Right? Seriously first world, white privilege problems. I should just suck it up and shut up and reclaim this space. Because somewhere along the line, I let myself lose this space.

What's up with that?

Is Faye Dewell, despite being a mirror of my actual real identity, ever really going to be traced back to me by anyone who ever cares?   Probably not. Are my photos ever going to get cross referenced on google images? Maybe? I could check I suppose and make decisions on what I post image wise based on that. But other that than?  I should just stop with the fricken angsting and get on with it.

Right? Right!

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Thursday, June 2, 2016

life lately

Things I've been up to lately: 

1. Being girly 

Nails



I feel pretty 😛

Facial:


My skin is a bit red and shiny but oh so soft. 

2. Planting and tending a garden



Poppies, lavender and alliums oh my!

3. Traveling for work:


Have I mentioned that I currently love my job? They sent me to an enviro conference to brainstorm Eco activities for the next year!

4. Being amused and exasperated by my child:


Mr L trying out his fashion sense. 

5. Co-hosting general awesomeness for work:


And oh so much more but them's the recent highlights. 

stopping to breathe


It's been a crazy half year. My new job is great but demanding and I've been finding it hard to balance all the extras beyond every day life into some sort of quasi routine. 

Even mini art journaling has taken way longer than ever before. It's ok, but sometimes frustrating because I miss having art time. 

Currently taking a few days off in order to do just that. 

Hope all is well with those of you still here 😀