Tuesday, July 13, 2010

finding my way back, past the wall, to my practice

As I feel my way back to the pagan path, it seems quite fitting that I am asked to think about why I hit that wall in the first place and what it means.

When I moved to Montreal at the tender age of 23, I was fully committed to the pagan path.It fit, it felt right, it felt like home to me. I’d read Mirian Green’s A Witch Alone  and nothing else had ever really appealed to me in the same way.  I knew that I wanted to continue down that path and learn more and with that in mind I joined a local workshop about Wicca to learn more.  And learn I did. And even though some of it didn’t always fit, and it was a challenge to negotiate my way through the various paths and find my own voice despite my insecurities, I knew that I was on the right path. Things were slowly coming together and even though there were many other areas in my life that needed to be worked on and they were working against my spiritual path being fully realized, I was chipping away and making my way.

But then it all just sort of stopped. I don’t know if it was gradual or all of a sudden. I suspect that it was gradual because I can’t really pinpoint where or when it stopped. But when I went to events I just felt a disconnect. There were too many people with too many issues; too many people that I couldn’t take seriously; too much jealousy and insecurity about not being the one who connected with others; and most of all, too much fear about getting up there in the center of the circle, taking the next step, and learning to trust myself enough to move beyond my shadow role. I believed but couldn’t seem to get over my insecurities and my cynical flake radar. I just felt out of sync. So my insecurities took over and I second guessed everything, and so I retreated because it because less about the joy I found in the circle and more about why I was able to connect, which defeated the purpose of being there in the first place.

Perhaps my path is unique, perhaps not.

I know now that I needed that retreat. I needed to find me and my voice before committing to or participating in community building. I needed to test my path and see if it really fit. It wasn’t an easy time in my life, and I lived through some significant challenges in order to emerge stronger than ever. But all through it, through all the questions, doubts, fears, everything, is the knowledge that my beliefs held strong even if I wasn’t practicing. There were times I railed against the loss I felt from not practicing, from the disconnect I felt with my spirituality and my everyday life, which sometimes drove me even further afield.  And I tried to find it in other places and in other ways, but in the end, here I am again.
 So when I listened to Tommy Elf’s podcast this morning, I couldn’t help be admire the synchronicity of it all. I’m back and I’m surer than ever. And now that I have the faith, confidence, and sense of self that I lacked in my early 20s, I feel readier than ever to explore living my path.

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