Monday, April 9, 2012

this week I am: april 4th-april 9th 2012

This week I am confuzzled!

So it hasn't been a great week for my practices (other than the Full Moon) but it has been a big week in terms of striving to live my ideals and remember to let my beliefs carry me through the more challenging moments.

You might expect me to go on to talk about Easter and my Catholic in-laws. Alas, if only it were that simple. No, my problems this past week have to do with me navigating the treacherous waters of fertility charting, late periods, and negative pregnancy tests leaving me more than a little perplexed.

Too Much Info Alert: stop now if you don't want to read about pregnancy stuff!

See, I know it's not infertility because I know that we can have a baby. In fact, the one fuck up I have ever made in terms of fertility (rather, we made 4 years ago), I became pregnant and we decided to have an abortion for reasons that are entirely our own and not up for discussion (or rather, judgement because lord knows I've gotten a lot of that over our decision). So that said, I always assumed it would be easy for us to get pregnant because it was so simple last time.

This time however, is turning out to be a bit more challenging. And that's ok. I'm not in a rush and I'm ok with whatever happens. We're in month 3 of trying and I know it can take time. And I'm ok with the time it takes because it gives me (us) more time to be really emotionally and mentally prepared for this next stage in our life together. It's just that my little type-A Capricorn self is sweating the details a bit. Particularly because she just doesn't really understand what IS going on if she's not preggers!

I mean, I charted. I know my body (or thought I did). I'm taking the folic acid. We're having "naked yoga" time when needs be (and a bit extra for fun and good measure) :P And now I'm 7 days late (and I'm NEVER late). I've missed a period ONCE in my life when I was around 15 (read, 20 years ago).  I've taken 4 tests starting from my expected period date to this morning. They are all negative. My charting indicates it's unlikely that I'm preggers.

And yet. I'm nauseous. And cramp-y. And late.

Ok, so maybe I'm having an imaginary pregnancy? It happens and let's face it, as a magical person I should know, more than most, what the power of the mind is. But the thing is... I'm not THAT invested in being preggers. I mean, ok, I care and I'm paying attention. But really... am I that neurotic about it? No. I've been more neurotic about other things in my life and never missed a period.  Work is not that stressful. My health is generally good.

So now I'm left wondering... what's up? And that has made my week a difficult one. It's caused me to question the power of my mind, the lessons I should be taking from this, and work on remembering that we should never assume anything. In some ways, the experience makes me feel a little like it's a lesson to remind me that nothing worth having necessarily comes easily. And I was on the fence about motherhood for a long time, so the process is a good one for me to go through as I learn more and more that it is indeed something that I want at this point in my life.

But here's the thing: I would just like to know what's up. You know? And unfortunately, I'm not going to have time to make it to the doctor's office until next week.

Oh well, good things come to those who wait, right?

How was your week?


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