Tuesday, April 24, 2012

today, just today, I am...

Cards. Birthday cards, to be specific. I seem to know a lot of people born in April. I recently tried my hand at quilling, which is fun. I just need to find ways to make it funky! I’m such a paper nerd!

The Golden Ass.
Just finished a bit of light reading: A Modern Witch. Witches on Parole (the series). They were fun.

to nothing in particular, to be honest. I’m open to suggestions! 

Realizing & Feeling: 
Kind of volatile. One moment I’m up, up, up, and the next, low, angry, or resentful. Meditation and pathworking can be so very rewarding but I do find that it makes me more vulnerable to the lows at times. And that ok. I think it’s to be expected. After all, when we descend into the underworld, we have to give up the safety of the things that protect us in order to grow.

I’m working on it, but I admit that I’m not handling it all that gracefully at the moment. I’m really struggling to navigate the space between what is my own contribution to situations that upset me and just inherently part of the environment.

I’ve always been someone who wanted community. And now I have several. And I continue to struggle with the uneasy integration into community after years of going it alone. I’m being reminded of the fact that I’m more of a loner than I tend to see in myself. I’m also being reminded that for all people (including myself) tend to see me as a garrulous extravert, my heart is truly introverted in nature. I need down time. I do better in small intimate circles of friends who I trust implicitly than I do in larger groups that leave me unsure of how I fit.

I know, woe is me!

Within the context of my occult work, I always thought that finding community would make me happy and it does, but doesn’t at the same time. Who knew? I appreciate the need for secrecy, to an extent, but struggle with the boundaries that it creates in my life. I often feel caged in by my inability to talk to others about various issues (hell… I’m already probably violating the idea of secrecy just by writing this down). But even though I’m an introvert, I’m also someone who finds her way through talking things out. And I really hate that I don’t feel like I get to talk things out anymore, which sort of drives me crazy.

But here’s where the paradox really lies: I always thought that I would talk about these things with my group (and I do a bit, but mostly don’t). And the thing is, is that I could, in all likelihood, talk about these things with individuals in my community but I find it so difficult to navigate the ins and outs of group dynamics that I often shut down and keep things to myself instead of airing what I feel called to explore. That’s my fault, no one else’s. It’s my reaction that has created the boundaries around me. But now that they are created, I’m not quite sure how to break them down in a healthy way.

So I kind of feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t because I want community but really seem to be uneasy with the process that goes with building community, which, quite frankly, is making me feel a little like a caged bear at the moment. 

Have any of you struggled with these feelings? I find myself going between the idea that it shouldn't be so hard and the idea that I'm the one standing in my own way. Gah... it's making me crazy!


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