Monday, May 14, 2012

2012 so far

Life is about the highs and lows, right?

I sure hope so because life has been a study of highs and lows this past week. The work semester has finally wound down and I'm in my office this Monday morning, looking at an open schedule for the first time in weeks. Hell, let's be honest, months. [insert big melodramatic sigh of relief here].

must remember to take time to see the flowers (I need to see them before I smell them...)

This year has been a year of student relationships and being invested in my students' successes and failures more so than any other year. I have been ecstatic, heartbroken, frustrated, proud... etc, etc, with each of my regular students and their individual journeys. And while this is amazing, it also means that it's been a year of giving more of myself than I sometimes had within me to give at times and then negotiating the drained, emotional backlash that came with it when my body and mind and heart just couldn't handle it anymore. Don't get me wrong. I have an amazing job that reminds me regularly of how blessed I am to be able to make a difference and do something so important in the universe.

The reward: after 4 years of work limbo, a solid year of chaos (good and bad), learning to work between 2 bosses and feeling a bit like a pawn in the process,  my job is finally being made permanent and I will no longer go from one yearly contract to another. As of the end of June my job will be mine for good (or as long as I chose to pursue this particular path).

With all the work stuff has also come the house building adventure, wait, and living in limbo process. We finally have a date that the house will be finished: May 22nd. This is a month early, which is great. On the other hand, the impetuous being that I am... well I just assumed it would be done, we'd inspect, sign and move. NOOOO... alack, alas... nothing in life is that easy (at least in home building). We inspect and if there's anything wrong, we wait until they fix it to sign. So if you're all game... think happy thoughts that my house is going to be perfect when we inspect on the 23rd! Cause I need this people! I really do. I think that I've worked long enough on mastering the art of Zen in the last year of limbo. Yup, universe I have officially decided: this particular limbo must come to an end, sooner than later!

Really, June is shaping up to be a big month for yours truly.

And the baby stuff. The trying. The sense of not knowing my body. The mind games. The miscarriage. [oh yeah, I didn't tell you about that, did I? Well, it's ok. It happens, thank you for your concern... it's part of the process and I'm ok with it, I promise]. The process of watching my body heal and readjust. And the journey between knowing that this is ok and the internalization of said knowledge because there is a gap there for me and I'm really working on remembering, every day, or week, that it's ok to give myself and my body permission to relearn itself. Being an instant-gratification kind of gal, this is challenging for me.

Of course, I'll dip my toes into the subject of spirituality too... because after all I created this space because that's what I wanted to be able to talk about most. The past 5 (almost 6) months have been an adventure and I find myself, yet again, re-evaluating where I'm at within my own practice and within my spiritual community.

In terms of my own practice I have to admit that the last month has been all about yours truly losing the plot. I know something is coming through, some realization or new understanding, but I am biting back tooth and nail. I know this, and yet, I'm still resistant. I can see the light at the end of this particular tunnel, even taste how beautiful and happy it'll make me, but wow... I'm not making it easy on myself. I'm really not.

Do you ever go through this process? My analogy might not be the clearest but since it's what I've got as a means of explanation at the moment, I hope that it speaks to the idea clearly enough.

Let me give you a clearer, more pseudo-scientific overview of what my practice looks like right now:


Meditation
Avoidance:
Just feeling lazy, unmotivated, wanting to avoid at all cost, counting the seconds as I do it, doing it unmindfully
Doing the work:
Wow, it’s beautiful when I sit down and do it. I feel uber connected, happy, and grateful for the insights/harmony
Group
Negative:
Frustrated with group dynamics, bitter about internal politics, feeling left out, isolated. Unhappy with things that aren’t being well defined, done equally or equitably.

Positive:
Have a clearer lay of the land after discussing this with several parties, know that I’m not alone, recognize the heart within the group and the gift that I have within the community when I see beyond the current issues.
Doing the work
Not doing it:
Just feel guilty and unmotivated, partially due to the fact that I am feeling resentful about the group and this is impacting my motivation and commitment
When I do it:
Awed by how amazing and beautiful it is. Really feeling the connections and gift that being a priestess bring into my life. Keep telling myself to stop getting in the way of my own happiness
Internal dialogue
About negativity:
“Faye, you know you’re happier when you do the work, why are you your own worst enemy?”
About positivity:
“Remember, this is why you do the work, stop letting yourself undermine your own happiness… get back on the mat bitch, get back on the mat!”


Yes, I swear at myself. All the time. And I frequently use yoga references to talk about my practice/spirituality! That's just how I roll over here in Faye-land!

What this all boils down to right now is that a lot of shite is flying in my world and things are changing, and well, I'm not rolling with it so well. I'm trying. I'm working on remembering that you need to get on the mat and do the work most when you feel the least inclined to take the time to do so. But you know, if you feel like you're seeing a trend in my writing, art, etc... well it's cause that's where I'm at right now. I'm working on interweaving, or reweaving, all the loose threads pulling me every which way at the moment.

And I'm sharing it with you because I think it's important that the veil gets dropped from time to time so that blogland doesn't just seem hunky dory all the time. I believe in keeping it real! But also keeping it positive. And on that note, let me tell you about something beautiful that happened to me on my morning commute today:

On my trip home to BC in January, I picked up one of these lovelies because I love crystals. To me, the rainbows from crystals have a special place in my heart and have often served as moments of divine inspiration, confirmation, or remembrance.

from here

This morning when I was feeling a good dose of the grumps overwhelming me, my crystal went crazy and all of a sudden rainbows everywhere! Beautiful, make you smile, mini ambassadors of joy, all over my car! Insta-moment of happiness. This is what inspired this post this morning. These little rainbows reminded me to share the journey, remember joy, and be grateful that the highs and lows are working together to make my life full of love and meaning.

On that note, I wish you a happy Monday!


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