Fracken melodramatic much, aren't I?
Yeah, I know... it happens. But let me explain because I think it's important (well, for me at least, maybe not you)!
I'm doing it again. That thing where I am doing so well and making "progress" (whatever that really means) but then shying away from the work. I know, vague but I'll explain more with this anecdote from my past...
A long time ago (ok, like 9 years ago), I used to do yoga (ashtanga) all the time. Like 4-6 times a week. It was awesome. I also biked everyone. I was in great shape and pretty dang happy despite bemoaning my poor and single status in life. And I started noticing, during this time of yogic bliss, something really interesting was starting to happen, a few things in fact.
1. That at the end of class when everyone was doing Savasana (corpse pose), I was starting to feel everyone's breathing. As in, I could feel the class relaxing and breathing in and out, in sync. The rise and fall of our breathing, which, after a good class, was in sync in a way it hadn't been at the beginning of class. The breathing in sync isn't a particularly amazing thing, we also tend to Om more harmoniously at the end of practice than we do at the beginning. But what was odd and the reason that I noticed it was not only because I could feel when someone was off sync in the room, but I felt like I had a sense people's auras during this time and after class in a way that I don't really know how to describe.
2. And then, on days when this would happen, I would leave class, sweaty, looking like crap, but blissed out on the experience. The weird thing that happened though, is that inevitably, on those days, people would always approach me or be attracted to me. Random strangers would strike up conversations, strangers would ask me on coffee dates, or just give me huge shit eating grins as they walked by me on a busy downtown street in my city. Now, you need to know that people in my city are not street talkers, not really. We don't really make eye contact or chit chat with each other, especially because you never know if a person speaks English or French. This is not to say that my city is cold, just a big city with big city attitude. So this behaviour was noticeably odd, but particularly odd for me because I am tall and often seem very aloof and imposing to people.
But on those days, I was just open and people noticed and responded. That, in and of itself, was amazing. But I'll be honest, as much as I was thrilled by the experience, it was also unsettling. It wigged me out at times. I could see how it was changing me and the world I had built for myself.
So what did yours truly do? Well, in typical Faye fashion, I freaked!
That's right. I freaked out. I stopped going to yoga. I built up my walls again. I'm not proud of it, but that's what happened. And that's what I've done in my life, repeatedly, every time that I reach that place when my practice opens the door and says, "here you go lady, leap and embrace the change."
And I'm there again and hiding my head under a rock in denial. I can feel it. I'm dreaming about it. The earth beneath my feet (in my dreams) is literally shifting and moving, forcing me to face my fears about a life with a more open heart.
I know it shouldn't be a big deal. I know I should embrace it. But damn it, I am digging my heels in and kicking up a fuss even though I know better. Gah! Why is this my pattern? Why do I do this? Why do I resist meditating now or doing my practice? What's up with this tendency to want change but not really want it? You know? I mean, I think I want it but obviously on some level I'm resistant and have been for a long time.
So what does this have to do with asking for help?
Well.. it has to do with working up the nerve to ask my support network to call me out on my shit and keep me honest about doing the work by holding me answerable to them. In other words, asking me if I'm meditating, practicing, and journaling on a consistent basis so that I have to get back on the damn mat, fears or not! Cause let's face it: sometimes when the going gets tough, shame keeps us honest!
So just for now, I'm asking for help so that I can keep yelling and laughing, and never give up on the journey.