Monday, August 20, 2012

This Week I Am: Aug 13 to 19 2012


Stars:

Aug 13 to Aug 19, 2012
  • Sun in Leo
  • Moon in Cancer, Leo, and Virgo
  • New Moon August 17th

 Pathworking:
  • Did my first circle (for a group). It was awesome. Don't get me wrong, I made mistakes but it was awesome and I'm happy with the energy that was raised. I have never led a circle before and honestly, it was awe inspiring to hold and witness all that love, beauty, and devotion. I am so humbled by the experience, I can't even begin to describe it. It was nothing like I ever expected because it was about love and seeing the divine in everyone. I will never think of circle casting as an obligation or as a position of power, rather, I will always strive to remember that it is a gift to witness and call up another's true nature and aspirations that way! 
  • Making magical potions!

Creating, Planning, Trying
  • Making magical potions! Did I mention that already? Yeah. Ok...
  • Working on a custom order
  • Fun nail polish!


Viewing, Reading, Listening:
  • The Charge of the Goddess. Over and over and over again in preparation for my circle!

Thinking, Realizing, Feeling:
  • This morning as I contemplate my week, I find myself thinking about ego vs insecurity. I know, that's totally random right? Yeah... 

But I've been dealing with someone who claims to be very insecure and I believe that but it's hard to keep sight of that when her displays of insecurity manifest themselves as ego. As in, she talks herself up to feel better about herself and ends up coming across as uber vain! One moment she'll go from "I know I'm an attractive girl" to saying things like "I'm crazy insecure and know it's stupid that I get my sense of worth from my sexuality." At the end of the day I honestly just feel like calling "bullshit" on it all! You know?

I've gone from one extreme, to the middle, to the other extreme when it comes to dealing with this person. On one end, I've just ignored it and just been distant (avoidance tactics while not always advised can be the path of least resistance). On another hand, I've fed her energy in order to still the beast that seems to need to be fed validation and attention. I've purposely sought out giving away my own praise to her in order to give her what she seems to need so much. And I did this willingly and knowingly because I don't need the accolades (oh, they're nice don't get me wrong, but I have enough of a sense of self worth that I can take the compliment, internalize it and then pass the attention onward without feeling upset by it). That sounds really a lot more noble than it is, I promise! Or more martyrdom like than it is! I'm neither, don't you worry.

But here's the thing, every time that I have voluntarily refocused the gaze onto her, she pulls out the ego again. And maybe this is because she wants and needs the attention but doesn't know how to deal with it. You know, like that moment when you want someone to say you look pretty but then when they do, you deflect it with a joke because you're uncomfortable. 

I'm trying to be open-minded about it all and to look at it from all possible angles in order to get a clear picture of the situation. I don't want to just react. But even with all that said, I'm at a loss as to how to process this person's ego/insecurity combination because it doesn't feel like insecurity. It feels like manipulation for attention. And while I'm willing to give away some of my own shining moments to help bolster another, I'm not willing to be a pawn in a story that is all about you. You know? 

So now I'm trying for patience and acceptance that this is part of her nature and that I'll take the good while I can (because we are in a situation where we interact often and it can't be avoided) and refuse to play the game with her because she has to figure it out for herself. I won't give her anymore praise because she seems to love turn it against me and using it to feed a neurotic ego. 

So yeah... I've been thinking a lot about the balance between insecurity and egoism!



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Gratitude:
  • For watching others experience the God/Goddess
  • For feeling love pour through me
  • For sharing my home with others and forging bonds of friendship
  • For little brothers and their quirky natures
  • For a garage that is almost finished (and thus not having to listen to Mr Faye angst over tiles any longer)
  • For pasta salad and my uncanny ability to always make too much multiply fourfold!
  • For a husband who says, "No sit and talk, I'll clear the table" when we have my friends over
  • For having people who are friends and teachers
  • For funny conversations in which I give directions to places in a town I haven't lived in for over 13 years!


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