In order to get it I'm doing 2 things: trusting and reaching out.
You see, I kind of have trust issues when it comes to reaching out to others and building new friendships. You might not get that from me if you knew me in real life. I'm often the garrulous, outspoken, bubbly one, but in actuality I take very few risks when it comes to reaching out and initiating friendships. I've been burned too often in my younger years so I don't tend to trust that people will like me enough if I initiate friendships. It's totally stupid but there it is! I have this totally ridiculous, counter-intuitive fear of rejection that prevents me for reaching out to people I don't really know and initiating friendships.
It's lame. I know. Especially since I have great friends and people like me. I have solid proof that I'm quite likeable really. But you know how it goes. We have irrational emotional baggage that we struggle our entire lives to unlearn. Years of negative self-talk that we feel the need to maintain even when we know better.
But I have a vision of the spiritual community that I want and I won't give up on that dream because I am to much of chicken shit to just call or text people to get together. I refuse to play the passive aggressive game that is my story, the push pull of waiting for others to reach out to me first because I don't want to burden them with my need for their friendship. Fuck that. I'm chasing my dreams bitches. If they don't like it, well I'll figure it out sooner or later. And let's face it, nothing gambled, nothing gained. (That's a quote, right? If not, it sounds like it should be).
What do I want that I've never had?
I want a spiritual community that gives me the space to develop my spirituality, that nurtures and challenges me. I want a community that I can pour out my heart to in perfect trust that even if they don't agree, they will love me enough to deal with it and help me find my way through it to what is best for me. I have elements of this in my friendships, but I want it to go further with people who I can circle with and share my love of the God and Goddess with.
So, in order to get that I am calling people up, texting them, throwing myself out there and into their lives. I want to be seen and I want to part of carving out a community that will do this with me. I feel like this past month has been a process of learning how and what I want, as well as reaching out and walking through the door when I was finally honest about what was missing. Now the journey is the remember to keep on walking the path and reaching out so that people see clearly what it is that I'm offering and asking to be a part of.