Monday, October 15, 2012

This Week: Oct 8th to 14th 2012

Stars:

Oct 8th to 14th , 2012
Sun in Libra, 
Moon in  Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra

I kind of think the shadow created by the candle reminds me of the Horned God. Do you see it?

Creating, Planning, Trying

Writing. I have a rather big dream of writing a book (maybe 2) and I've started writing it. I'm scared shitless by this project but I'm also very excited by the project. It's all about spiritual communities and the quest to find belonging within alternative spiritual groups. It's going to be a grand adventure that will take a few years to complete, but I'm excited to embark upon it and see where it takes me!

Viewing, Reading, Listening:

I've got nothing here people. I've been traveling and talking and dealing with a death in the family. There hasn't been much room for anything in between.

Thinking, Realizing, Feeling:

So far October has been a hard month. 

My husband's uncle died this week, so I've been thinking a lot about the rituals of death. Within his community they have very defined ideas about how you deal with death. There is comfort to be found in them, even if they strike me as counter-intuitive sometimes. I get that there is tradition and legacy within the acts that make the process easier for everyone involved. And there is something beautiful about seeing how death can unite a community and family. 

Watching others grieve though is particularly hard for me. Just the sight of someone else mourning kills me and I start choking up. Oh, it's not a bad kind of thing, but it always catches me off guard. I never expect such a visceral reaction to other people's grief but it always happens!

My husband has shingles, so the return to daily life since our trip has been tricky and particularly draining given the combination of death and illness.

On my end of the equation (in addition to the above factors) has been the sense of homesickness that always arises when I leave family behind. I miss my family and wish we were closer. But I've chosen a life that keeps me on the other side of the country and that's just the nature of the beast. Sadness is always part of the bittersweet process of seeing family.

In September I face another miscarriage (much milder) and I (we) went through the process of grieving the idea of children. I was more emotionally effected but we spent a great deal of that cycle contemplating what we were going to do with our lives if we don't have children. (Yes I know adoption is an option and I'm very pro-adoption because I have adopted siblings, but it's not a priority for us to have kids so I don't think this will be something we pursue). We're ok with not having children but there is a grieving period that comes with it, as well as the need to re-examine what we want as a life together if it doesn't involve kids. (No, I'm not giving up but working on accepting things gracefully should they come to pass). 

Part of the writing project I have in mind hinges on rethinking my life and how I/we will live it if we choose or are given a child free life. 

Here's the kicker though... while we were away my period came significantly later than normal and we started wondering maybe? Was it travel or ? This is the part of the process that kills me. It's the surge of hope and the rapid denial of said hope for fear that you're taunting the fates. And then, inevitably the fear that holy shit, what if we really are pregnant? Are we ready? Is this what we really want? What about plan b, do I really want to give that up? It was looking pretty sweet! All of this has served to make October a bit of an emotional roller coaster because upon our return my body went back into wonky mode and started spotting until my period came again. So it's a good thing that plan b seems like it also might be worth fighting for!

Life really is funny. It's been a sad but fulfilling time, full of contemplation and deeper spiritual awareness, but challenging. 

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Gratitude:

  • For new connections or stronger connections
  • For realizing that I'm kind of excited about plan b too...
  • For reclaiming transparency in my coven relationships
  • For exciting new projects
  • For an in-law family that loves fiercely and knowing that I'm officially part of it
  • For 3 years of marriage and 6.5 years of being with an amazing partner who fights to grow alongside me
  • For fall foliage!


Photobucket

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