Monday, October 29, 2012

just today, thus far

Stars:

Oct 29th, 2012
Sun in Scorpio
Full Moon in Taurus

Pathworking:

I'm struggling here. I'll be honest. I'm really pulling my feet and I need to take a good look at why that is. It currently feels like every excuse I could possibly find is finding it's way to the surface these days. It happens but I need to shake it. 



Creating: 

I've been working on a Christmas present for my Mother-in-Law right now: a scrapbook of photos from 2012. I've done all the foundation pages and now will add the photos and embellishments as I go. Here's what the foundation pages look like:

Of course, in the midst of doing this project for her, I got into an uncomfortable spat with her over lunch yesterday. The woman drives me crazy. I love my husband but his family is really something else. They're generous and loving, but don't listen, infantalize us, and generally undermine their children by being emotionally manipulative and passive aggressive. It's a combination that drives me mental and now that we don't live above them, I find it harder to keep my comments in check. 

I get particularly frustrated when a serious comment gets treated like a joke, so I try to show that I'm serious only to find that the next thing I know I'm being told that I'm cranky and offered chocolate to placate me. If there is ever anything anyone should know about me it is this: when I feel like I'm being patronized and condescended to, nothing will make me angrier, faster. I see red when this happens. 

While I'm working my reaction and think that I've come a long way since my relationship with Mr Faye's parents began, I still react. Suffice to say, lunch went downhill from there.  And I'll leave it at that. 

However, all that said and done, I surprised Mr Faye by coming home and completing the foundation pages to the album. He thought that for sure I'd be too cranky over the afternoon to want to continue working on a project that was meant as a gift of love. 

So here's the thing, where this story is leading to: 

Do you think it's better to only work on something meant with the intention of love when you're feeling it, or should we push past those moments and do the work regardless of our attitude going in? I'm using a very "trivial" example here but if you expand it to any workings that you do.. I think there's a larger question there that applies to our practice. What do you think?

Planning: Ok, other than the 2012 album, I've started my December Daily album pages. Nothing fancy, just the background pages.


I'm going with a red, lime/olive green, and white foundation for the project. I kind of like mixing up the green to use an unexpected shade of green in the mix because it feels more modern and lighthearted to me.  Yup, I dig it!

Trying: 
  • I'm thinking about a blogging 2012 recap project for Dec. I know. Halloween isn't even over yet and I'm chugging ahead to Yule. Honestly, this year I'm just not feeling Halloween. I know right? Blasphemy! I love Halloween but this year I'm just feeling a bit blah about it. Could be my cold or work stress but I just can't wait for the semester to be over! And on top of that, my family is coming out for Christmas so I'm super stoked about having them here and doing a Christmas with my family in my new home. It's been a long time since the Dewell family has been all together for the holidays. I'm seriously going to go crazy with decorating and stuff. 
  • Speaking of which, we're getting our mantle for the fireplace this Saturday and I'm so excited to be able to decorate it for the holidays (this one coming up and every seasonal holiday year round). It's dumb but yeah, it's the little things that make me stoked this way. So if you've got any great pinterest or other links for great mantle decor ideas... send them my way!!!
  • Oh yeah, and I'm currently dyeing white napkins black. After too many people freaking out over staining my white linens, I'm giving in and making them black so guests will get over their aversion to ruining my "good" linens. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I've had to reassure people that it's ok and refuse them the paper napkins they feel more comfortable with. Being ecological is challenging sometimes because people have the funniest hang ups!
Viewing: The Good Wife

Reading: Just finished Mark of the Witch by Jessica Gibson. The start was really rough and the book in general needs another edit. It was ok but nothing that I would rush out to recommend or purchase. I read it in a day and it kept me entertained when I wasn't annoyed with plotting issues or grammar problems like know vs now. 

ListeningFlorence and the Machine. 

Thinking: Bwah, you've already read enough of my thoughts today! 

Realizing: See above. Nothing beyond the need to figure out what battles to choose and which to let go

Feeling: Exasperated by family in laws. Amused by the ridiculous of it all. In the need for more hot chocolate yet horrified by the ingredients in my cacoa. The next purchase is going to have to be eco cause who needs oil in their hot chocolate? Seriously. Ick. 
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Gratitude:

  • For sick days and hot chocolate. That's it for today so far.


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Friday, October 26, 2012

quote of the week

via pinterest

Really, is there anything more to say? I think that the quote pretty sums it up!

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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Luteal Phase Defect and Fertility.

I'm always leery of self-diagnosis via google, but I have say that I've just fallen prey to it.

Warning: This post is potential TMI for some of you out there!



Now that you've all been suitably warned, let me lead you down the rabbit hole on the baby making project of 2012. Things you should know before I begin:


  • I've always, up until 2 years ago, had a 28-29 menstrual cycle. 7 days long. I could tell you what days would be light, heavy, medium, colour, consistency. Like clockwork. 
  • I've only missed my period 2x in my life: once when I switched to a vegetarian diet and once when I got pregnant
  • My partner and I have been pregnant. We got pregnant very easily on an oops & I knew immediately that we were potentially going to have a problem because I knew my cycle inside out
  • We had an abortion with no complications. My cycle went back to normal right away
  • Since then I had a knee injury and have gained weight (not tons, because it's been a long time since I've small, but enough)
  • I've been a vegetarian 19 years (20 this Jan). Generally I've been decent about balancing my proteins, etc, but I could be better
  • About 2 years ago my menstrual cycle started to change. Slowly but surely I've gone from spotting a week before my period and getting it on the regular day, to now spotting about 1 week after my period, on and off, until my period, which is now about 3 full days and starts on cycle day 22-23.

Suffice to say, charting, taking temperatures, checking cervical mucus, peeing on stick... I've done all of it and time everything just so. While I know these things take time, I've been not only confused by why it is so much harder this time around, but also by what the hell is happening with my body.

I tried to go to the doctors. I've been tested for thyroid problems. I've taken follic acid and multi-vitamins. I've recorded every symptom and puzzled over the weird ways in which my body actually seems pregnant, only to find myself not pregnant, from nausea to tender breasts. I've questioned whether this is my mind playing tricks on me...

But then a post over on Green Phone Booth made me stop and think about looking at the problem differently. So I started looking, trying to match my symptoms with the things I knew: that I have a short luteal phase. From there I found my way to luteal phase defect (see previous link for quick explanation). It looks as if my short luteal phase may make it impossible for an egg to implant properly, making it difficult to get/stay pregnant.

So now I'm going to be doing some follow up research. But I feel like singing a Hallelujah because for once I feel like I have something that makes sense to me. And regardless of whether or not it can be fixed or if we have a child, it gives me something to make sense of the change and also something to work with in terms of self-health. And if it doesn't work or isn't what's going on, that's fine. But it's a starting point that makes sense in terms of what I've been experiencing.

Rest assured, while I will start taking some B6 (in moderate amounts because too much is bad for you), I'll forego rubbing progesterone into my arms! And back to the doctor I go, fingers crossed I'll have better luck and patience this time around! I'm loath to admit it, but I might need to revamp my diet... and actually reduce my carbs. Sigh. I love carbs.

B6 it is!

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Art Journal Tree of Life: Yesod

Yesod: Finished


O should really use my good camera for these photos! But you get the idea! This is the finished page that I started here.  She turned out a bit differently than I anticipated but yet still very much the same. Fun stuff. I love it when that happens.

And better yet, the entire thing was something that surfaced while doing a daily practice exercise. Sweet. Next up: Hod


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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Photo sneak peak




Riding the Tube


Just a random theatre I thought looked pretty! I love architecture and seeing the old buildings always fills me with awe. I wish that we aspired to better architecture in our own time. Don't get me wrong, I know that we do have some great stuff now, but the attention to aesthetic detail just isn't the same in our generation of architectural design.


Out for dinner with the family. We went for Mexican, which I have to say was pleasantly surprising because it was much better than the last time I had anything Mexican in London. In fact, I have to say that vegetarian fare in general has gotten much better in the past 5 years. Even pubs are better at it!


I thought it was interesting how every time I turned around I was buying food that donated a part of their profits to some NGO or another. I was surprised and pleased and have to admit that while it might be gimmicky it still makes a difference and I wish that more local businesses would do the same here!



The view at night, around the corner from where I was staying. We were in an area that is much more modern and it felt a lot like Vancouver. Odd, but true. I can't help but be struck by the juxtaposition of old and new in the city, and just how out of place the new feels when it's ALL new. But as you can see, it's also lovely, taken on it's own.



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Mabon Goals Update



Goals for this turn of the wheel included and here's where things stand right now:

Work on Tree of Life journal pages

I'm getting it done. I don't know that I'll finish all 10 by Halloween, but I'm happy to take my time through the process.

Decide if staying or going from coven

Done. I surprised even myself by opting to stay in the group. It's going to be a struggle, but I'm happy with the decision overall. We'll see what comes of it.

Visit brother in London

Done. I'm going to post some pictures soon! It was a great but quick trip.

Pictures for Project Life

Good one week, poor the next. 

3 new bands

Still perusing recommendations. Thank you to those of you who sent them my way. I loved that you did!

Gym 2x a week

Fail

Daily vitamin/water

Getting back on track

Meditate 4x/week

So far only about 2x a week. But I'll keep plugging away at it. I think that as my attitudes towards the group improve, so too will my practice!


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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

simple eco cleaning

So this Saturday, while I was scrubbing the bathroom, I found myself thinking 2 things: I should blog about this (you know you're a blogger when) and **** eco cleaning, while I totally buy into it, requires more elbow grease!


I don't know what the rest of you out there use, but what you see in the photo above pretty much is it. I use different essential oils from time to time and a few other tools like a rag and stuff, but that's about it.

I don't buy into the eco cleaning supplies I can buy at my local grocery store. Some of them might be fine but since I'm very leery about corporate consumer green-washing, I don't trust products unless I do the research and to be honest, I'm just too plain lazy to do the research for every eco cleaning product out there, so I'm keeping it simple by making my own.

2 parts water
1 part vinegar
5 drops essential oil
1-3 drops dish soap (optional)

Now I'll be honest, the homemade, old school product is cheaper. And I mean WAY cheaper than the commercial cleaners. And they work great.

The catch of course is that you have to put a bit more work into making them work. I can't just spray the shower and leave it for 20 mins and rinse it off. Which of course would be kind of sweet, but I really know when it's clean, it's clean because I've done the work. And I know that when I'm inhaling the product that it's not a choking death hazard. Vinegar and water is pretty neutral.

And bonus: I love watching the vinegar and baking soda fizz. It's like grade 5 science all over again! Who said cleaning can't be fun!?!


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Monday, October 22, 2012

This Week: Oct 15-21 2012

Stars:

Oct 15th to 21st , 2012
Sun in Libra, Full Moon
Moon in  Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn




Pathworking:

I've been reading a lot of tarot lately. I've actually alternated between doing readings on their own and as part of my daily practice (before meditation) and it's been pretty amazing. 
I've been thinking a lot actually about decks and the readings they give us and I've come to the conclusion that I'm starting to really love my Thoth deck. Before the Thoth deck I used the Haindl tarot, which I loved for years and years. 
Bear with me here while I sort out my thoughts on this.
  • Originally the Haindl deck totally overwhelmed me because it works with IChing, Qabala, runes and various myths. But I loved that the deck was very multicultural and worked world myth into the interpretations.
  •  But I was a surface tarot reader, relying heavily on the books to make my connections, not really that well versed in any of the systems so it was a bit daunting at times.  That said, I loved this deck and it guided me through some really important years in my life. And the book interpretations (Rachel Pollack) added a depth to the cards that I didn't find in my of the Rider Waite books. 
  • I would highly recommend this deck to anyone. The only reason I moved away from it was because some of my cards decided to go missing.
  • When I switched to the Thoth deck I purchased Crowley's book and was TOTALLY confused by it initially. Then I bought Ziegler's book and found the transition smoother because the interpretations were more aligned with what I'd had in my previous books/deck
  • Since I purchased this deck, I started working with the Qabala as a system for understanding spiritual work and BAM people, what a change it has made in terms of understanding the tarot. 
  • Now I don't even approach how I read the cards/ask the cards the same way. I'm looking for very different things and honestly, my readings have been consistently WAY more accurate. They tended to be good before, but now they are much stronger and clearer in ways I wasn't linking/understanding. I suspect they were always accurate but that my reading/interpretation of the cards was more muddled. 
  • I cannot begin to express enough how much I think that anyone who is interested in the tarot should learn the Qabalistic Tree of Life and the paths on it. Seriously 
  • amazing tool in terms of tarot work.


Creating, Planning, Trying:

I've been working on my Tree of Life art journal pages. I shared the WIP last week and will share another finished page later this week. I'm enjoying the process and am thinking of extending it beyond the 10 sephira into an exploration of the tarot on the 22 paths. 

Other than that it's the regular Project Life stuff. I am seriously debating sharing that here but I haven't made a final decision yet. There are pros and cons to transparency and disclosure, you know? And I'd have to made fairly concerted efforts to hide a fair amount of my pages because of friends and family in pictures... Gah, when did life get so complicated?

Viewing, Reading, Listening:
Viewing: Haven, Grimm, Once Upon a Time. Yes, there is a trend in my TV viewing. 

Reading: The Ending of the Words which explores Crowley's Book of the Law. I have mixed feelings about Crowley. I like a lot of his work but I'm not entirely convinced. This book attempts to analyze and extract the meanings from Crowley's work. In some ways this is really helpful because the original text is complex and very dense in symbols/references. On the other hand, the Ending of the Words is often more convoluted and complex than it needs to be, heavily loaded with scientific and Christian overlays that are either unnecessary or at odds with my Wiccan worldview. I'm not particularly comfortable with the very western, whitewashed worldview of the text, but that said, it is an interesting way of seeing the Bible more allegorically and mystically. 

Listening: Deep Forest.



Thinking, Realizing, Feeling:

Bwah! I have no idea what I'm thinking these days.  Ok, that's not true. I know what I'm thinking but it's complicated. I'm thinking a lot. And realizing and feeling... but I'm going to save it for another day! This post is long enough people!

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Gratitude:

  • I can never say it enough. I'm uber grateful for friends. Seriously. From the unexpected texts that open my heart (cousin is engaged, space to talk about my process right now) to marathon gmail chats with a friend I met through Witchvox 1.5 years ago. 
  • That my partner is feeling better. Finally the shingles are abating and the end is in sight for him
  • Plane tickets home to watch a friend get married and organizing all the details to see family and friends while there: reminder of all the love that home represents
  • That everyone is booked to come home this Christmas. I'm so stoked! And scared, but mostly excited.
  • Dinners out with colleagues and friends. I wasn't home much this week. It was chaotic, crazy but fun.
  • Moments of AHA spiritual realization. Just wow.


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Friday, October 19, 2012

quote of the week

via pinterest
This might seem like an odd place to take this quote, but today I want to talk about trust. Trust in friendship and community. I want something I feel like I've been longing for my entire life: a spiritual community that nurtures me and is like family to me.

In order to get it I'm doing 2 things: trusting and reaching out.

You see, I kind of have trust issues when it comes to reaching out to others and building new friendships. You might not get that from me if you knew me in real life. I'm often the garrulous, outspoken, bubbly one, but in actuality I take very few risks when it comes to reaching out and initiating friendships. I've been burned too often in my younger years so I don't tend to trust that people will like me enough if I initiate friendships. It's totally stupid but there it is! I have this totally ridiculous, counter-intuitive fear of rejection that prevents me for reaching out to people I don't really know and initiating friendships.

It's lame. I know. Especially since I have great friends and people like me. I have solid proof that I'm quite likeable really. But you know how it goes. We have irrational emotional baggage that we struggle our entire lives to unlearn. Years of negative self-talk that we feel the need to maintain even when we know better.

But I have a vision of the spiritual community that I want and I won't give up on that dream because I am to much of chicken shit to just call or text people to get together. I refuse to play the passive aggressive game that is my story, the push pull of waiting for others to reach out to me first because I don't want to burden them with my need for their friendship. Fuck that. I'm chasing my dreams bitches. If they don't like it, well I'll figure it out sooner or later. And let's face it, nothing gambled, nothing gained. (That's a quote, right? If not, it sounds like it should be).

What do I want that I've never had?

I want a spiritual community that gives me the space to develop my spirituality, that nurtures and challenges me. I want a community that I can pour out my heart to in perfect trust that even if they don't agree, they will love me enough to deal with it and help me find my way through it to what is best for me. I have elements of this in my friendships, but I want it to go further with people who I can circle with and share my love of the God and Goddess with.

So, in order to get that I am calling people up, texting them, throwing myself out there and into their lives. I want to be seen and I want to part of carving out a community that will do this with me. I feel like this past month has been a process of learning how and what I want, as well as reaching out and walking through the door when I was finally honest about what was missing. Now the journey is the remember to keep on walking the path and reaching out so that people see clearly what it is that I'm offering and asking to be a part of.

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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

WIP: Yesod Art Journal Page

This morning, post practice, I started working on this:


It's still rough but I'm not looking for any great merit badges for artistic abilities here! In fact, I'm more excited by a new element that seems to be surfacing in my practice as I work on the Tree of Life and my art journal.  I'm working on the element of fire and was surprised that as I meditated on the element, I found myself making this link to Yesod on the Tree of Life.  I find myself wading through the collective unconscious a lot these days in my meditations, pulling up ideas and thoughts that interconnect and spark when least expected.

I don't know that I would have naturally paired fire and the spark of an idea with Yesod, the location of collective images, the filter through which all ideas pass before being born in Malkuth, but it fits on some level and I like seeing fire in such a constructive way for a change. I have a tendency to shy away from fire because it feels to all consuming and overwhelming, too martial in nature. And yet, I love the brighter aspects of this element of transformation, creativity, and passion.

The body is totally distorted but you get the idea of where I want to go with this journal page. I find it intriguing how some pages I'll do in one sitting and others will come from a spark and then evolve as I work on them. Can't wait to see where this one leads me. I'm currently contemplating some decoupage to add into the mix...


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Monday, October 15, 2012

This Week: Oct 8th to 14th 2012

Stars:

Oct 8th to 14th , 2012
Sun in Libra, 
Moon in  Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra

I kind of think the shadow created by the candle reminds me of the Horned God. Do you see it?

Creating, Planning, Trying

Writing. I have a rather big dream of writing a book (maybe 2) and I've started writing it. I'm scared shitless by this project but I'm also very excited by the project. It's all about spiritual communities and the quest to find belonging within alternative spiritual groups. It's going to be a grand adventure that will take a few years to complete, but I'm excited to embark upon it and see where it takes me!

Viewing, Reading, Listening:

I've got nothing here people. I've been traveling and talking and dealing with a death in the family. There hasn't been much room for anything in between.

Thinking, Realizing, Feeling:

So far October has been a hard month. 

My husband's uncle died this week, so I've been thinking a lot about the rituals of death. Within his community they have very defined ideas about how you deal with death. There is comfort to be found in them, even if they strike me as counter-intuitive sometimes. I get that there is tradition and legacy within the acts that make the process easier for everyone involved. And there is something beautiful about seeing how death can unite a community and family. 

Watching others grieve though is particularly hard for me. Just the sight of someone else mourning kills me and I start choking up. Oh, it's not a bad kind of thing, but it always catches me off guard. I never expect such a visceral reaction to other people's grief but it always happens!

My husband has shingles, so the return to daily life since our trip has been tricky and particularly draining given the combination of death and illness.

On my end of the equation (in addition to the above factors) has been the sense of homesickness that always arises when I leave family behind. I miss my family and wish we were closer. But I've chosen a life that keeps me on the other side of the country and that's just the nature of the beast. Sadness is always part of the bittersweet process of seeing family.

In September I face another miscarriage (much milder) and I (we) went through the process of grieving the idea of children. I was more emotionally effected but we spent a great deal of that cycle contemplating what we were going to do with our lives if we don't have children. (Yes I know adoption is an option and I'm very pro-adoption because I have adopted siblings, but it's not a priority for us to have kids so I don't think this will be something we pursue). We're ok with not having children but there is a grieving period that comes with it, as well as the need to re-examine what we want as a life together if it doesn't involve kids. (No, I'm not giving up but working on accepting things gracefully should they come to pass). 

Part of the writing project I have in mind hinges on rethinking my life and how I/we will live it if we choose or are given a child free life. 

Here's the kicker though... while we were away my period came significantly later than normal and we started wondering maybe? Was it travel or ? This is the part of the process that kills me. It's the surge of hope and the rapid denial of said hope for fear that you're taunting the fates. And then, inevitably the fear that holy shit, what if we really are pregnant? Are we ready? Is this what we really want? What about plan b, do I really want to give that up? It was looking pretty sweet! All of this has served to make October a bit of an emotional roller coaster because upon our return my body went back into wonky mode and started spotting until my period came again. So it's a good thing that plan b seems like it also might be worth fighting for!

Life really is funny. It's been a sad but fulfilling time, full of contemplation and deeper spiritual awareness, but challenging. 

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Gratitude:

  • For new connections or stronger connections
  • For realizing that I'm kind of excited about plan b too...
  • For reclaiming transparency in my coven relationships
  • For exciting new projects
  • For an in-law family that loves fiercely and knowing that I'm officially part of it
  • For 3 years of marriage and 6.5 years of being with an amazing partner who fights to grow alongside me
  • For fall foliage!


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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

energy currents and earthquakes

By the way, this is London at night. But it was a night shot
so I thought it was a propos for the story I wanted to share!
Random experience.

Last night we had an earthquake in my area. It wasn't big but it startled me awake and shook me up (pun intended)!

But then as I was settling back down, some weird shit happened that totally wigged me out. I don't know how to describe it well, but here goes:

It was as if the darkness was in flux and shifting, like the energy currents were out of sort and all distorted. I would look at the dresser and it was like I was seeing it through one of those funky amusement/carnival park mirrors, all curved and stretched. Everything in the room was shifty like that for me, so much so that I eventually just stuck my head in the pillow because it was playing with my senses too much and I needed it to stop.

Nothing was moving, the earthquake was relatively small, but it really felt like the energies were completely out of whack and trying to find their way back to where they normally are.

Have any of you ever had this experience? It really made me think about how the energy currents around us affect our perception of things and just how much energy is around us all the time that we don't feel because we're so used to the currents as they are.

Freaky deaky, but also kinda awesome and totally random!

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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Work in Progress: Tree of Life Art Journal

So lately I've been working on the Qabalistic Tree of Life:


I don't love this picture but it's a work in progress and I wanted to share it because it came about in a rather interesting way for me.  I do this relaxation exercise in Savasana pose in order to connect with the energies around me, relax my body and shut my brain up before starting my daily practice. Honestly it's sometimes the longest part of my practice because I just find it bloody hard to let go some days!

I was taught a visualization technique for it but have since learned that I do better if I concentrate on feeling the energy in the air around me instead of trying to build up a visualization. Why? Because I inevitably always try too hard and try to control it too much and just get in the way. By sensing the energies I'm just more relaxed and the visualization just flows in.

The other day, while I was doing this particular part of my practice I was struck by the idea for the image above and immediately stopped everything to create the sketch. It's not perfect and I may one day do one I like better, but for now, I like that it's a starting place for me to contemplate the sphere of Malkuth on the Tree.

Do you ever have those moments when inspiration strikes and you just have to jot it down and work on it? When this one hit me it felt very much like it was funneled through me, something akin to what I always think of as divine inspiration from a mush. It was pretty awesome!


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Thursday, October 4, 2012

Intuition vs Analysis: Art Journaled

Another page... another girl with her heart wide open:


The more I art journal, the more I realize that I'm currently in phase that is obsessed with girls and wings and hearts. And that I love it when my pages come out with this dreamy, floating in the mists vibe! 

I've been thinking a lot about intuition vs analysis in my life, particularly related to what I talked about here.

It's been a challenging time in my life as I contemplate how you know if you're thoughts are your intuition/inner guide or if they are just fears and reactions. I don't have an absolute answer but I feel like I should because I've done this cycle enough now that I should know better by now! Whenever I feel at odds with something and feel like I'm fixating on this question, I should remember to stand back and remember that having this many questions probably means that I'm not listening to my intuition.

I know what I want in my life, where my boundaries are, and who I am. The fact that I can still get so caught up in the game is a bit mind boggling sometimes. But I suppose we all do it. I'm told that meditating helps with this but I have yet to see it. Maybe I'm a particularly hard nut to crack. It seems possible, people always telling me that I think a lot!

Anyways...

I don't find it easy to know when to listen and trust what my intuition is telling me because I do over-analyze things, which is ironic because I do have good intuition! When I contemplate why I don't trust/listen to my intuition I think it comes down to the following things:

1. Fear
  • That I'm missing some piece of the puzzle
  • That I'll miss some golden opportunity
  • That my emotions are clouding my judgement
2. Over-thinking
  • Rationalizing behaviour
  • Trying to see the other side
  • Getting caught up in the back and forth because I can't see the answer clearly
But here's the thing, I think that I know even when I am intent on ignoring that knowing. Like I mentioned above, when I start angsting so much over something, I think it's a clear sign that I'm denying my intuition and can't let go of the issue because my intuition won't let itself be ignored. Stupid intuition! Always wants to win.

And the irony is, when I do let it win, even if it takes me a while, life always seems to come along and provide the sign and guidance that I was so desperately looking for in the midst of the chaos. When I opted to move across the country in the face of the great unknown, with nothing to catch me, the universe just seemed to conspire to make it easy. When I decided that enough was enough, all of a sudden, everywhere I looked were things talking about denial, tyranny, and oppression. Added to the mix were offers of support, friendship, and opportunities to fill the gap. 

So sometimes I don't know, but sometimes I do... and when I get out of my own way long enough to let things flow, they really do flow!


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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Mabon Goals

So I actually finished all my Lammas goals (ok, I made candles the day after but still...) I've been a little slow on setting Mabon goals, mostly because I just had so much stuff going on with the coven that I wasn't even thinking about the rest of my practice.

But they're here:


I'm really excited to work on these goals! No reading this time around. Just health, practice, and art. I need it!

Anyone got any new music suggestions? I tend to be an Indy/Alternative music girl but I'm fairly open as long as it's not country or rap.

Ok, I'm off to London. I've scheduled some posts but won't be checking in (much). Have a happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends.

Cheerio!



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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

finished page

Maybe you remember that I said I was working on this art journal page a while back.Well now it's finished:




What I find the most intriguing about this is that what I wrote then about babies has become sort of a theme in my life. Funny the way things work, isn't it?

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Monday, October 1, 2012

This Week I am: Sept 24th to 30th, 2012

Stars:

Sept 24th to Sept 30th , 2012
Sun in Libra, Full Moon
Moon in  Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, Aries

Pathworking:

Meditation and community contemplation. 

I've come to the following conclusion: you can't stay in an unhealthy and unsatisfying relationship, even if sometimes it still has amazing moments because you're scared of being single and going it alone. So now I'm grieving but working on remembering that every door that shuts leaves room for another to open. And every relationship teaches us new and amazing things.

Creating, Planning, Trying

  • A photo wall collage, something that will look something like this staircase photo display
  • Art journal pages that work with the Qabalistic Tree of Life
  • More project life stuff

  • New ideas of community and contemplating a narrative project that might come from it (and it's a project that really excites me)


Viewing, Reading, Listening:

I can't say that I've been viewing much or even reading much right now. I've been obsessed with bejewelled and revisiting my love of Mazzy Star


Thinking, Realizing, Feeling:

I’m finally feeling calmer and more at peace with where I'm at right now. I've been angsting for a long time about the situation I mentioned above, questioning whether I'm ignoring my intuition or creating an issue where there is none because of my over-analytical nature. Now that I've started listening to my intuition again, I really feel like things have calmed down and I have perspective again. I always find it so intriguing how that happens. Today I was working with a student on an essay about denial and how when we deny things we prevent ourselves from taking responsibility for creating our own reality. 

Life is funny how things work, you know? I was so locked into this black and white thinking about commitment and vows that I couldn't see things objectively anymore. And now that I have made a decision, it feels like I can see the signs helping me to see things more clearly everywhere. Funny, isn't it. We spend all this time wishing for divine intervention and for the divine to guide us, and they are we just don't always see it because we get in the way!

All of this is making me realize that I need to trust my inner voice more than I do. I knew that it wasn't working but denied it for so long because I wanted it to work, because I felt like I didn't have other options, and because I thought I was just getting in the way of myself. And I was, just not in the way I thought!
 
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Gratitude:

  • To be blessed with friends who will let me weigh out my options so patiently and without judgement, who actually listened to the craziest of stories and supported a decision making process that was obvious but convoluted. I cannot even begin to express the levels of crazy or the amazingness of my friends who accepted the conversation without freaking out over it!
  • That I'm leaving for London in 2 days!
  • The air smells like Fall
  • For Ikea trips and family photos that remind me of my story
  • For an amazing husband that forgives the crazy and holds me when I cry and then makes me laugh and smile again. I am truly blessed in love and even though I sometimes forget it, I married an amazing partner.
  • For drinks with family that lead to hilarious bouts of laughter and story telling!
  • Surprise connections
  • For tears and friendship and the reminder that the smallest of actions mean more than I sometimes think (ie going to a coworker's family funeral viewing and seeing how much it meant to her even though I felt like I was imposing)
  • For a conversation with a women who is my friend and yet old enough to be my mother and the realization that sometimes age really doesn't matter
  • For the reminder of all the links and love that shape my world just when I feel like I'm

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