I've been contemplating on theme these past few days as I art journal and something very interesting has revealed itself in the process.
First... I'm drawn to watery colours lately and I think it's to counterbalance the anger in my life that I'm having to address right now and the myriad of ways that it manifests itself in my day to day life, in my actions, my words, and my responses.
You see, I have been told that I am an angry person a few times (or rather a repressed angry person), which has left my confused on multiple levels.
- I laugh a lot. I joke, I tease, and generally enjoy life... so how I can I be all that angry?
- How on earth does the state of the world not make you angry, indignant, frustrated?
- I don't really see myself as being angrier than others... am I deep in denial and not seeing myself clearly? I mean, I've gotten this comment a few times now so it's not so easily dismissed.
Lately I've had a lot of things that have prompted me to think about anger:
- the anger reaction I've been having to meditation since becoming pregnant
- my relationship with my mother and the continual frustration I've been having when it comes to a lifelong conversation/hurt about her devaluing my moments of rite of passage
- my expectations vs my reality
- the increasing sense of alienation that I have with certain groups and the feeling that I am holding people away, not vice versa (because their efforts are tangible)
- my dreams
- my work environment and the need to step back and disengage from the drama in order to focus on the positive little bundle of joy that I am creating. I've really found myself reflecting a lot on reducing work toxicity in my life. I love my job, but work politics and bureaucracy, particularly the dictatorial politics going on around me lately have been a huge source of tension in my life over the past 2 years. Having a baby has made me really re-evaluate how I engage in the dynamic.
- a recent reminder that I cannot control or change others' reactions or behaviours, I can only change the script from my end, as in changing how I engage and respond
- some TV show saying something about how anger is usually a veil for hurt and it coming in a moment that I was nurturing some serious hurt/anger
- my reaction to being told again that I was angry (it was pure resentful anger)
So I started art journaling and contemplating this idea of my repressed anger and it being purged in my practices during pregnancy and started noticing an odd trend. Over and over again I was drawing on watery elemental colours: orange and blue or just watery feeling tones. I'd start pages with greens and they'd morph into blues without conscious thought, as if water was encouraging me to purge out my hurts and let go of the anger.
And then this morning, just as I started making peace with the potential idea of my anger/hurt, I find one of the first blog posts in my blog stream from a blogger who isn't pagan in any way leading me to this link on very pagan inspired ritual for forgiveness. While this isn't "my ritual" it felt like a sign that maybe I need to create my own ritual cleansing to let go, move beyond, and forgive my hurts in order to let go of some anger.
Maybe a lot of people wouldn't see this all as some big cosmic lesson, but I do. I feel like the universe has been trying to tell me something for a while now, but only now are my eyes open wide enough and willing enough to see and accept it. And of course, the beauty of it is that now that I've accepted it, I feel calmer again and more positive about things that have been bothering me for a few months now. I don't know if I can heal all my hurts in one ritual, but I can start...