Friday, April 19, 2013

life cycles and letting go

This morning, and the past few weeks really, I've been thinking about patterns in my life. You see, I've come to the conclusion that talking about life as a cycle is a bit misleading. In fact, I think my life in small cycles, layered one on top of another, interconnected, but always growing and evolving.

Some people might call them phases, but for me they always feel like cycles, life cycles, and I think that maybe they follow a similar pattern on some level, like the wheel of the year. I think they add up, one on top of another, as part of a larger life journey.

Does any of that make sense?

Let me try again.

I'm an over-thinker. It's a well known fact. I stay in situations too long, thinking about whether or not I should really let go of something, talking myself in and out of choices more often than you can ever possibly imagine. I'll never be that person who just knows because even when I do know... I question. It's my nature, it drives people crazy, but I've learned to accept this as part of who I am.

The irony in this is that I have excellent intuition. In fact, when I know something is right, I can feel it in my body. Of all the decisions that I've made in my life, it's the ones in which I've felt a certain lightness of certitude, a sense of calm peace, that have always proven to be the best decisions I've ever made.

So you'd think that making decisions would be easy for me. But no. Even when the lightness comes over me, I still struggle and talk myself back and forth.

And lately I've spent a lot of time meditating on exactly why that is. Why it is that I don't let things go, even when I know deep down what I need to be doing.

Well, I could blame in on my family history. I could blame it on fear of abandonment or of missing out on something. And all of these things would be true. But here's the catch, even knowing that, I still hold on.

  • I hold on to friendships and romantic relationships
  • I hold on to objects
  • I hold on to family and keep fighting for something that will never be

This is where my thoughts on layered cycles come in. Each time I face this question, I ask myself the same thing: why can I not let go sooner? And the fact of the matter is, is that there is no easy answer. Each turn of the cycle merely brings me closer to seeing or having a deeper understanding of the pattern and hopefully breaking it sooner than I did the last time.

I'm trying to learn something new from this turn of the wheel/cycle, break the pattern, or at least alter it. 

So yeah, while I do see life in general as a cycle, I see there being a myriad of little cycles within a larger cycle, working in a concentric pattern that will hopefully lead to some sense of personal enlightenment or break-through... at least in this sphere!


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