Tuesday, May 14, 2013

52 weeks of lists

I haven't been doing this project lately, mostly because I haven't been called to it and I'm working on keeping true to practices that call to me and letting go of ones that don't.

So for a while I let go of this exercise because it just wasn't right for me. And I'm all good with that. But this morning I woke up, wandered over to my feedly blogger feed, saw the prompt and thought... hey... I could write about that. So I am!

Today the prompt is: What do you want to be known for?

In no particular order, I want to be known for:

  • creativity
  • integrity
  • loyalty
  • calm
  • meditation & yoga
  • kindness
  • spirituality
  • healing
  • sustainability
  • community
  • story
  • family
  • knowing what matters and not getting caught up in the rat race
  • honesty/truth
  • practicing what I preach
  • living a life that is my own and not what society hands me
  • environmentalism & social conscience

Whenever I contemplate questions like this, the next thing I ask myself is: am I living a life that reflects those aspirations?

I think it's really easy to aspire to things but not so easy to actually practice them in the ways we mean to. For example, I aspire to be known for kindness, but in my day to day life am I really known for being kind? Or am I known more for being impatient, gossipy, and temperamental?

In all honesty, I'm probably a combo of the 2, good and bad. I can be really bitchy and sarcastic. I am not always patient with students and some days, with some students, I find it really hard to remember to see them as individuals instead of whiny, self-entitled brats who want you to do the work for them. Yeah. I love my job but there are days and there are students that get in under my skin and I find myself biting my tongue, counting the seconds till I can kick them out of my office. This doesn't really do much for my kindness rep does it?

By the same token, when I think about this question in light of my spiritual practice, I see a disjunct there too. I'm less concerned with magic than my current life choices indicate and at odds with my intentions. I've always been far more interested in the mystical than the magical when it comes to my spirituality. On some levels I'm far more interested in kitchen witchery and healing than hermetics and high magic. This bears some thought for me in terms of where I want to take my practice in the next few years. Impending motherhood has me shifting back to things that I'd left behind in coven work, only to find myself far more revitalized by my more earthy workings: craft based healing and using magic in the mundane objects around me than in formal ritual. I want to feel energy coursing through me and nature and not feel caught in rigid structures.

Yet therein lies a bit of a paradox, because on some level I think that we need the rigid structure a bit in order to have the discipline to learn things. And I'll be honest, it's one of the things I fear the most when it comes to leaving the group: that I won't have the self-discipline and people helping me learn and push myself to grow and then I won't be realizing the spiritual in my life the way I long to.

I don't have answers to these thoughts yet, in fact, I see this blog, in some way, as a means of figuring that out and working towards knowing what those goals are and finding ways to practice said aspirations in my day to day life, both magically and mundanely.


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