Tuesday, August 6, 2013

seeing the divine in the dark moments

Motherhood has been something of an interesting life lesson thus far...

I tweeted the other day that I had started talking to my son about the God/Goddess. This wasn't something I expected to do but it also happened in such a way that I felt that it was a profound, albeit probably quite obvious, experience for me.

You see, I'm sort of an instant gratification, type A kind of girl. That may or may not come across in this blog; I certainly make no effort to hide it but sometimes representations on the interwebs distort presentation. That said, I knew the first 6 weeks of parenthood were going to be particularly rough for me: the lack of sleep, being at baby's beck and call, learning baby, etc., were all going to be challenging for me. And they are.

What I didn't expect to struggle with, hell, what I never thought about, was the struggle to adapt to my life becoming all about eating, sleeping, and changing diapers.... meaning that my life would be reduced to such elemental needs that I would find myself bored by the inescapable monotony of my days. The routine that defies routine just enough to make it impossible in the first weeks to feel normal or to do the things that make life feel normal and the impact that would have on me as an individual.

There is limited time to create, to pursue my pleasures (reading, writing, chatting with friends) because inevitably, the moment I start and get into a grove, baby Faye is up and in need of the boob. Which is fine. And expected.

But then there are the moments when he is very colicky and I cannot find the solution for him, which is normal and something experienced by parents everywhere (unless you're insanely blessed). And in those moments, on the days where I feel completely alienated from my "me-ness" it becomes harder to remember to see my little man as the blessing he is, or as another incarnation of the God. And I find that it is in those moments that my practice becomes the most important.

This is what my first spiritual conversation with my son was about: forgiveness, patience, and remembering our higher nature with the help of the God/Goddess. Sitting in the moonlight, breast feeding my son, talking to him about my need to forgive and have patience with myself; his need to forgive and have patience with me as we struggle through these first few months (and the rest of our lives) getting to know each other, remembering to honour the divine in each other, was not something I expected to find myself doing a week and a half into our relationship!

And yet it felt right. And it is what keeps carrying me through those difficult moments. It is my mantra in the midst of the storm of post partum hormones and rediscovery of self within this new role.

Just as the God and Goddess are all about the love, I look at my son, in good and bad moments and remind myself: do it out of love, for love, modeled after the Divine and in service to them, and it helps me stay calm in the moments I most want to throw up my arms and cry.

But just in case you think it's all bad... it's not. There are lots of great moments that fill me with awe...


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