Monday, September 9, 2013

52 weeks of pagan art journaling: week 32

This week's prompt: Conquering Current Challenges in Life

For me, this is cabin fever. Obviously this might not be the case for anyone else out there. But over here in Faye land, I find myself going a bit stir crazy over being home all the time. I feel a little like Rapunzel (with bad messed up, unshowered hair), trapped in my tower (in the suburbs).

Part of my cabin fever is self imposed: fears over getting out with baby and him acting up in public. Part of it is medically imposed: healing can be a real bitch!

That said, now that I'm starting to see the tail end of the healing process, it's time to get off my butt and get out again. I've started slow to build up my confidence and to build up Baby Faye to the process. We've been walking in his carrier and in his stroller (he alternately hates both dependent on his mood), so we're switching it up and getting him more comfortable with both modes of transportation. I'm adamant that my son will learn to adapt because I won't stay trapped at home forever!

I've also started venturing out to safe places (my in laws, my work place) etc. Places where I can breast feed on demand without dealing with societal backlash (because I just don't need that shit right now, thank you very much). I've got other issues on the table to deal with for the moment. While all of this is helping him on some level, it's also really helping me to slowly become more confident in my mama-hood and my ability to reintegrate back into the world with an infant. I know... strange statement but there you have it. It's one thing for me to go out and about with my partner and the baby, and another navigating that on my own.

But I'm working on it. It's my current challenge and one of my bigger goals of the moment.

Getting out makes me feel saner and better able to be my best self with Baby Faye. It's hard to spend day in and day out, mostly alone with a baby. (Mr Faye is at work...). I need intellectual stimulation and while I can get a lot of that via the internet, from chatting to Ted talks, to every other variation I could long for... I need actual face to face, human interaction. I need social time in addition to my down time.

Getting out also forces me to face my fears and deal with my desire to shy away from the things that make me uncomfortable but in a gentler way now because we are 2 and I navigate the world a bit differently now. My initial reaction to anyone telling someone else not to breastfeed in public is to tell them to go f off. As a mother, worried about my son, dealing with my sensitive post partum hormones... I just don't need that shit right now. I need to build up my confidence slowly so that when I have to face that moment, and I know it'll come, I'll be emotionally and intellectually equipped to deal with it with a true Faye style indignant rant. Right now I don't know that I'd pull it off!

Getting out also enables me to remain true to my true self, which is vital to me because I never wanted to lose myself to to motherhood. I'm not someone who made the choice to become a mother easily. I waivered for a long time for a myriad of reasons I won't go into right now. Suffice to say, one of my biggest focuses is learning to find a balance between giving myself over to motherhood and being the mother I want to be for my son AND keeping myself in the mix so that my son knows who his mother is, outside of motherhood. So that my non mother friends still can talk to me and that my entire life doesn't just revolve around my current reality of eat, sleep and poop. I am (in no particular order) an academic, artist, thinker, witch, lover, friend, sister, and mother, etc. Each time that I make the effort to step out the door and deal with my insecurities over parenting in public, I becoming stronger and better equipped to maintain that balance. Knowing how to navigate that balance is integral to my ability to remember my true nature.

So yeah, those are my musings on facing my current challenges!


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