Wednesday, October 9, 2013

5am resentments and realizations

It's been a rough night (and day) over here in Faye land. Baby Faye is giving Mama a run for her money and it's making Mama think a lot about who she is and her attitudes in life. And let me tell you, it's a bitter pill to swallow at 5am on little sleep.

You see, I'm 12 weeks into this motherhood gig and I haven't cried, not once. And while that might seem like a good thing, I'm realizing tonight that maybe it's not. Maybe it says something about how I hold in my emotions. Most of the Mamas I know have cried at least a half dozen times by now.

Instead I feel like I'm building up resentment and anger.

I know. I'm not supposed to admit that. And don't get me wrong. I love my son. I chose this journey. It's fracken brutal, more so than expected, but not necessarily in the ways I expected. But that's a different conversation.

In fact, this conversation isn't really about motherhood at all. Motherhood just happens to be the lens/vessel by which the universe has chosen to teach me this very important lesson about myself: I bottle up my emotions and eat them. Literally and metaphorically.

I find myself stuffing my face lately, in a way that I've never done before and it's not because I'm hungry. No, I eat to suppress the emotions. To stuff them down.  I always thought that I ate when I was bored. But no. I eat when I'm angry or resentful. I hold on to things and then eat to cover the frustrations I feel over not being able to let them go. Instead of getting out and doing things that make me happy, I eat. Instead of scrapbooking or painting, I've been baking. And eating. And eating. The kicker is, with breastfeeding I can get away with it. The extra calories don't add up right now but they'll catch up to me if I don't nip it in the bud now.

So this is the season of letting things go. Learning to let go of my resentments and self-criticisms. Learning to express my insecurities in ways other than anger and frustration. And letting go of things that just don't work in my life right now.

The first of which is the 52 week art journaling project. Oh, I'll still art journal, but no more self imposed obligation to post a prompt. I took up the challenge because people had asked for it even though I knew that it wasn't right for me this year. I tried to make it work because I knew that I could. But it doesn't speak to me in my life right now and I feel like it has no life because of this. It feels artificial and superficial at this point. Like I'm just trying too damn hard to make it flow and it isn't. So instead of beating a dead horse, I'm going to bury it and let it be.

This is my journey and I need to stop resenting things and remembering that it's my life, my choices, so I need to find happiness within it/them. And on that note, I'm off to breastfeed my biggest challenge and choice again...


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