I've mentioned before that motherhood has been a bit of kick in the pants for me because it has forced me to look at how anger shapes my life. Here's the thing... it's not easy to admit that you find yourself angry over the sacrifices that the newborn phase demands of you. It's not easy to share that with the people in your world and seek help for it because it is so taboo.
Mothers are supposed to be self-sacrificing and happy that they are giving to a greater cause. And it feels pretty damn shitty to realize that you're not as noble as you'd like to be! Or at least appear to be.
And this is fodder for a great deal of spiritual contemplation... like... more than you really have time to process in the chaos that is a new baby. [Before you start worrying about my son and my mental health, rest assured that I am writing this post meltdown and we're doing much better now].
You see, for me this path isn't just about the maiden, mother and crone [hell, to be honest I'm really not all that into reducing womanhood into these 3 archetypes because I hate how quickly archetypes can become rigid]. For me this path is steeped in a tradition of service and higher aspirations. Now, I don't mean that I am striving to be perfect or even think that I will anywhere near attaining it [I know I'm no Buddha under the tree and that Nirvana isn't in this lifetime]. Rather, I am trying to learn to live my life in line with my higher aspirations; to not get bogged down in the mundane petty stuff (or at least not that often).
My path centers on a few core tenets:
- To remember to see each and every person who I cross paths with as an expression of the divine and as the divine him/herself even if they don't remember this and live far from that realization
- To remember my own divinity and seek to embody (as best I can) the higher nature of said divinity
- To live a life that reflects that higher aspiration; including how I treat others and the land around me
- To learn the crafts of healing, sustainability and creativity in order to be able to manifest my will and higher aspirations in service of the greater good
I think this about sums it up (off the top of my head anyways).
So as I fuddled my way through the newborn phase, so often out of sync with those goals and unable to find my way towards them, I found myself in a state of spiritual crisis (while oddly also being in a state of great spiritual awakening... funny how life works out sometimes). I couldn't process the lessons that life was giving me because I was overwhelmed by how many lessons life was throwing my way.
Stepping back and admitting that the darker side of what I was going through was key for me to be able to begin the process of making sense of some of it (not all... far from all). And like always, the minute that I did this, the universe stepped in and offered me a helping hand. Hell, it had probably been shoving said helping hand down my throat for a good while but I was too stubborn to see and accept it. [just call me a goat headed Capricorn].
Like the end of a great storm, the clouds broke and Baby Faye made his way out of the newborn stage, past a huge developmental milestone, and life suddenly got easier. And while I'm not sure which came first, my relaxing and accepting, thus becoming calmer and Baby Faye feeding off of that or Baby Faye crossing over, thus becoming easier and my relaxing, life has gotten easier over here in Faye land. I am once again able to see my higher aspirations reflected in my attitudes and choices again. I am far from perfect but I am closer to embodying my ideals today than I was two weeks ago. It only took facing my darkest self/fears and asking for help but hey... nothing worth learning in life is easy? After all, Inanna didn't just descend into the pits of the underworld on a whim...