Thursday, March 13, 2014

trust: letting go in order to welcome in the new

One of the catches to letting go, is learning to trust that what you let go will allow for new, more needed/time appropriate things to enter instead. This is not my forte by any stretch. Trust me. (Ha ha, that's kind of funny)! But seriously, when I say that this is a struggle for me, I am being modest in my understatement.

I have always been the girl, desperate to believe and to have that belief proven. As you might imagine, this has created some rather large disappointments in my life as I set myself and my deities up to fail with timelines, tests, and so forth, all in the effort to gain validation to justify my trust.

Yes, I am one complex beast. I am very much the embodiment of You vs You in life.

The thing is, it's only when I try too hard, when I demand proof too much, and when I fail to let it be that I am filled with doubt. When I go with the flow, wait it out, and marvel in the small miracles, my life is filled with proof to justify my trust more than my heart can possibly contain.

And yet, I continue with this cycle of needing proof to justify my trust. It's deeply ingrained. I could blame it on my parents, and to some extent that would be justified, but I'm also not a victim of my life and thus believe that I have choice in the matter. I choose, on some messed up level, to continue to struggle with trust, despite the fact that there really isn't a need to do so at this point in my life. At least, not in the grand scheme of things, you know?

So how do I apply that to my daily life? How do I realize that in my spiritual practice? Can I let go long enough and trust that the universe will catch me? I'm working on it. I'm meditating on it. And slowly but surely, I'm facing the fact that it's only by letting go that I will ever have the possibility of change and finding that which I seek. All I ask is that the universe be gentle with me while I take my fumbling baby steps.


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