Tuesday, May 27, 2014

art journaling in gemini

I'm on fire lately. I don't know what it is but lately I've been uber assertive and active in calling bullshit where I see it. In some ways this is characteristic but in others it's not.

What makes it characteristic is the fact that I am known for being a bit self-righteous. Yeah, I admit it. Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes not.  What makes it uncharacteristic is how confrontational and pro-active I've been about it lately.

In two of my communities, I have bordered on bitchy in calling out bullshit where I see it. I am both proud and disappointed in myself because of this as I know that I have hurt others in the process, which I hate. But on the other hand, I have called out those I've hurt on behaviour that has hurt many others and brought about change, which is somewhat of a good thing.

It's a tricky thing, playing surgeon, cutting and harming in order to heal, and it's not a role I'm comfortable with even though I believe in the necessity of it from time to time. Ironically, it's a role that I think I tend to play a lot as I'm known for stirring the cauldron and playing devil's advocate. This time however, I played my hand far more aggressively and overtly than is the norm for me, which leaves me struggling with ego and balance. I feel self-righteous enough to believe that what I did was right and for the better good, yet this also makes me uncomfortable because I was very decisive and heavy handed about it.

Which leaves me to wonder, where do we find a balance between action and empathy; silence and assertiveness; tolerance and passivity?

I think it's important to act with integrity and that sometimes a lack of action signals a lack of integrity just as much as an action does. So that leaves me in a bit of conundrum, because while I am proud of my actions, I am surprised by them and cautious about the need to balance such assertion with kindness.


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