Wednesday, November 18, 2015

my subconscious at work

The subconscious is a funny thing. While I'm clearly having mommy issues, my dreams are filled with men doing me harm. How odd is that?

In fact, the next before last, I dreamt of my stepfather hanging off me in a way that was suffocating and 2 men I know acting as probation officers (not for me) who were giving my stepdad a tour while he was shackling me emotionally.

Last night I was a series of different women being stalked and attacked by this one man and woke up screaming as he tried to hunt me down to hack me into pieces.

On some level I get these dreams as being a continuation of the nightmares I had a child (I always had 2 reccuring nightmares that featured men and clearly stood in for my biological father figure) but these dreams are very different. I guess my inner child is rearing her head again in this process.

Speaking of the process, I have to say it's an odd place to be in. To be grieving but not really doing so publically. In fact, I have a blogger whom I read who is going through a separation and is sharing the process in a way that I don't feel entitled to. But emotionally it's kind of brutal to be wrapped up in grief and yet be holding it close to me and not sharing. It's not my nature and yet, while part of me wants to share it with everyone because it's kind of the only thing I am thinking about on some level, it's also something I don't want to share at all.

I don't want to have to explain. There is no reasonable explanation for it. Ultimately, no matter which way you look at it, my mother's choice is coldhearted and irrational. Other than wanting more attention (a whopping call every few months), I am not a demanding child. And yet, people struggle to understand in ways that make me feel like I either have to defend her so that I don't look bad or accept their pity because what else are they going to do?

I suppose a divorce brings the same dynamic but still, people can wrap their heads around couples falling out of love. Rejecting a child and grandchild for no reason other than not being capable of nurturing a relationship isn't really something people get. And they shouldn't! And I'm happy for others that they can't wrap their heads around it.

But how to walk around in the world, privately feeling like the walking wounded? That's the question I'm navigating at the moment. And clearly, I guess subliminaly, I am feeling a bit under attack in the process!


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