I have to admit it, I've really let my practice dwindle since having a child. Sometimes I wonder if this space is worthwhile in my life or if I should just let it go. The age of just blogging for the sake of blogging seems dead in so many ways and I'm really not sure that I'm interested in any othere type of blogging.
I debate closing this space or making it private or just putting it all out there. None of these options fully appeal to me. I have things I want to write about. I like writing and actually miss it. That said, I feel incredibly censored writing in this space. I know it's just a small corner of the cyber world, but given that I work in education, I often feel like it's just not appropriate to be that wide open. I would love to say that I'm pagan and proud, but the fact of the matter is, being openly pagan professionally just isn't really an option that I want to deal with in my life.
I am an active member of a coven. The reality is that I am actively practicing my faith. I'm actively practicing my faith to the point that it is a way of life that often makes me feel like I have more in common with devout Christians or Muslims or Buddhists than I do with some (***many***) pagans. Sorry, not sorry, if that offends some of you but the fact is, I am Wiccan. I'm not pagan, new age, or spiritual. I believe in the God and the Goddess in ways that are far too often misrepresented in pop-paganism. And often, for that reason, it is very uncomfortable for me to be openly pagan as much of what is seen as Wicca has little or nothing to do with my own practice and belief system. It often feels like what is commonly understood as being Wiccan is a series of things that I'm busy downplaying in order to be taken seriously. (And yes, I recognize that that statement is problematic, no need to flame me over it). But the thing is, in order to have street cred in the professional world, there is a necessary scientific world view that one has to manifest in daily life for said credibility. This often makes me feel a little jealous of openly devout members of other faiths as the way is clearer for them, while at the same time appreciating that there is a sacrifice being made on their part, one which quite likely, knowingly or not, impacts the views others have of them.
All of this contributes to my self-censorship. It is, in many ways, a necessary evil.
Would writing privately make me feel safer? Would I feel like I could stop filtering myself? I feel like maybe, but if I do that, I suspect that I would be writing to myself (not entirely a bad thing and honestly, often how blogging often feels) but part of me wants to heard and to share. I'm a talker. I like communication.
Right? Seriously first world, white privilege problems. I should just suck it up and shut up and reclaim this space. Because somewhere along the line, I let myself lose this space.
What's up with that?
Is Faye Dewell, despite being a mirror of my actual real identity, ever really going to be traced back to me by anyone who ever cares? Probably not. Are my photos ever going to get cross referenced on google images? Maybe? I could check I suppose and make decisions on what I post image wise based on that. But other that than? I should just stop with the fricken angsting and get on with it.