Sunday, August 21, 2016

the spiritual mirror of a 3 year old

The geese are flying and quacking above me (note: do geese quack? honk? bray? Because braying seems most accurate sometimes!) and evenings and mornings are starting to get cooler. Fall is in the air even though it's still brutally hot around here.

My boys are asleep still and fingers crossed, L will give me until 7am today after the chaos of yesterday. Oh the 3s people. The threes. People tell you about them but man are they an emotional rollercoaster ride. The highs are higher and the lows, so much lower.

L can veer from being so indescribably amazing and endearing "mama that's amazing, you did a good job" to infuriating as he pitches another tantrum over the thing he said he wanted no longer being what he wanted. Of course it's all boundary testing, insecurity, and independence. We go from wanting complete autonomy to reverting to younger behaviours in order to feel reassured that the parentals are still there.

And then there are the things he is absorbing from the world around him. Like playing guns (grrr) and saying he doesn't cry like a baby as he cries (quadruple grrr) that I am attempting to balance out even while I notice the things he's taking from us that make me uncomfortable.

This motherhood gig, let me tell you, is the best spiritual test/practice I've ever had. And lately, the 3s are making me feel like I'm failing to live up to all of my ideals and values.

Seriously.

And I know this is normal. People wouldn't gripe about the 3s as much as they do if they weren't so challenging for everyone.

But I am trying to be mindful, even in the haze of frustration and exasperation. I am trying to remember how my reactions are informing his. That when I lose my patience and yell that teaches him to yell and scream (which I don't do but is clearly linked to the idea that raising the volume to be heard is how we deal with not being listened to or heard). He's a constant mirror and reminder of my actions and reactions, which is a blessing and a curse.

He is also now awake and rooting through the rocks in our garden and eyeing up the snails, so I must be off...

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